Have Your Cake And Be Eaten By It, Too
by Kay Seda
Summary: Glitch bakes a cake for Cain's birthday. The cake takes on a life of its own, and things go terrifyingly wrong. Featuring an ensemble cast and a Cake.


**Title:** Have Your Cake (And Be Eaten By It, Too)  
**Author:** Kay Seda  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary** Glitch bakes a cake for Cain's birthday. The cake takes on a life of its own. Things go terrifyingly wrong.  
**Characters/Pairing:** Glitch/Cain and the rest of the ensemble, plus a Cake  
**Warnings:** No food or drinks while reading. Some cake-related violence, and a bit of Glitch attempting to get some. Dare I add HARDCORE CRACK?

* * *

It was a dark and stormy night on the eve of Cain's birthday, but Glitch knew he had to brave the palace's corridors in order to reach the kitchens and set his Plan into motion. He had bribed the head cook with a promise to clean up any mess he made, which was a guarantee that he would not be disturbed.

He settled his glasses on his nose, flipped open the confectioner's cookbook to the marked page, triple-checked that he had all the ingredients, made himself a pot of coffee, and set about working his magic.

By dawn, he had a masterpiece of Cherry Crowned Death By Chocolate cake completed, with enough batter and accessories left over to make matching cupcakes. He finished one batch and set it beside the main cake, a two-layered monster of fudgey goodness topped off with whipped cream and cherries. Glitch nodded in satisfaction and set about making a second batch.

When he returned his attention to the main event he frowned, as it appeared one of the cupcakes was no longer there. He counted again ("Eleven. Did I eat one and forget? Did someone sneak in and steal one? Will it really matter?"), then shrugged, and soon forgot the whole thing.

Later, he failed to notice that two more cupcakes were missing, and that the primary cake seemed to be getting... larger. Once Glitch left the reception hall where things were being set up, a horizontal crack developed between the cake's layers, and it apparently smiled.

In a gesture which was ultimately futile, the remaining cupcakes huddled more closely together.

*

DG was enjoying palace life, the pampering, the frocks, the food. The food, especially, was good, and she had partaken of all the delicacies that were presented to her. This had an adverse affect on her waistline and given her back the apple cheeks she'd lost at the age of twelve, a fact which caused her some distress. Her family knew it, her friends knew it, the cooks knew it, her ladies-in-waiting knew it, and her personal trainer certainly knew it, but almost no one remarked on it.

She was modeling the frock she'd wear to Cain's birhtday party, a flattering A-line affair in blue and gold with a nicely detailed bodice. She turned before the mirror, checking every angle, and finally threw her shoulders back to study her bust. Well, maybe there _were_ advantages to a little extra padding.

"Who's Princess Cleavage _now_?" she muttered, which was when the door to her room was flung open and Glitch strode inside.

"Good morning Deege!" he called.

DG turned and raised her eyebrows. "Come on in, Glitch," she said wryly. "Did someone give you coffee again?"

"I gave me coffee, thanks," he said and looked her up and down. "I've been up since three and made a cake for Wyatt and remind me that that was my point for coming here and that dress is a bit... bursty."

She gave him a pained look. "Glitch, remember how you're my uncle?" The discovery that Glitch was actually her mother's brother was, weirdly, more shocking than it probably should have been and they were both still getting used to the idea. Understandably, Glitch was having a harder time of it.

He frowned, then finally tore his gaze from her bosom and slapped a hand over his eyes. "Oh, gods above, I'm sorry, please do not tell Wyatt that just happened."

"Trust me, I am not telling anyone about any of this conversation so far," DG muttered and folded her arms, then thought better of it and put her hands on her hips, then thought better of that and clasped them behind her back. "You wanted to tell me about the cake."

"Yes!" Glitch said, and pointed vaguely in her direction. He still had his eyes covered. "I made a cake, a Cherry Crowned Death By Chocolate, and I had enough left over to make cupcakes, but then I looked and one was missing, would you know anything about that?"

The princess scowled and strolled over to him to pull his hand away from his face. "Any reason why you're coming to _me_ as your first suspect?"

He appeared to think about this, and somehow resisted the urge to pinch her cheeks. "You like cake?"

"Everyone likes cake."

"You like cake a _lot_, though."

DG squinted, then shoved the center of his chest and stormed off.

"Let me know if you hear any more information!" Glitch called after her. He caught sight of himself in the mirror, did a bit of preening, then continued about his business.

*

In the reception hall, Raw was admiring the very large cherry topped chocolate cake that was occupying one of the tables. He set down his own offering, a plate of cookies, turned to go, then glanced back with a frown. Something did not quite feel right. He walked the room, found no one, but was still unable to shake the feeling of being watched. With a final glance at the cake he made his exit.

Left to its own devices, the cake edged closer to the cookies.

*

Cain had enjoyed a nice, lengthy, peaceful shower to start his birthday, and now emerged from the bathroom with a towel secured around his hips. Glitch chose that moment to burst into the room. He gave Cain a look, blinked, then grinned, slammed the door behind him, and executed a perfect running tackle to pin Cain to the bed.

"...good morning, sweetheart," Cain managed.

"That's getting really old, you know," Glitch muttered. "Oh, and happy birthday. Excuse me a minute." At which point he set about kissing Cain's neck, then started working his way down, hands going everywhere.

Cain drew a breath through his teeth, then let it out slowly. Glitch was kissing his belly, and Cain ghosted his hands through his hair, across the zipper. When that didn't work, he tapped Glitch's shoulder pointedly. Finally, he cleared his throat.

"Sweethea-"

"Boring," Glitch remarked, but did look up. Cain's expression made him sigh and roll over. "Fine, fine, later. I made you cake, it's all chocolate and cherries and I hope you like it, it's not every day you turn fort-"

"Glitch," Cain sighed and sat up abruptly. "I didn't want this to be a big deal. Just a quiet birthday, all right?"

"Quiet, yes, definitely," Glitch said and propped himself up on his elbow. "Just lunch with friends and then some cake and Raw made cookies, it'll be no big deal."

Cain nodded, then leaned down to kiss Glitch's lips softly. "Thank you," he murmured, then his nose twitched. "You smell like chocolate."

"Oh, wait until you get a whiff of the cake. It'll knock your socks off."

*

On a mission to clear her name, DG also paid a visit to the cake.

"Damn, Glitch," she muttered and walked around the table. The cake was vast, roughly four feet across, its top festooned with whipped cream and a multitude of cherries. She frowned and tilted her head, as there appeared to be no cupcakes present at all, nor the Ginger Dream cookies Raw had promised. "Bunch of vultures around here."

"You think?" Azkadellia asked. She strolled in and set a tray of eclairs down beside the cake. "That is... some cake. Please tell me Ambrose is not planning to jump out of it or anything."

The mental image this invoked made DG slap her hand over her eyes. "Well, there goes my appetite."

"Really? That's great!" Az enthused, then smiled nervously at her sister's glare. "I just meant... nevermind. See you at lunch!"

DG rolled her eyes and pouted at the cake, then froze. Just for a moment, she could have sworn the thing was smiling at her, an anticipatory, all too pleased smile. She blinked and shook her head, and the cake was back to normal.

Maybe she'd imagined it. Maybe she was going crazy. Or maybe the cake was, indeed, homicidal.

Every instinct she'd developed since returning to the Outer Zone told her it wold be a good idea to try and warn the others.

*

After having a good laugh at DG's concerns about the cake everyone settled in for a sumptuous and uneventful lunch in the dining hall. Unwisely, Glitch had more coffee.

"There's actually a lot of health benefits that go along with chocolate. It can improve circulation, you know, certain varieties, and you know what else? It can delay brain function decline, so it's _brain food_ like fish and that other thing. Plus, well, there's that thing about it being an aphrodisiac which might just be part of the whole circulatory aspect or just, you know, the good ol' sensual goodness of it, may have to test that la-"

"Ambrose," the queen admonished fondly. Cain rubbed his temples, Azkadellia and Ahamo snickered, DG shoved her plate away, Jeb continued to pretend that he was not listening to anything going on around him, and Raw sighed in a long-suffering manner.

Glitch sulked, and with a slightly shaking hand refilled his coffee cup.

*

The moment of truth arrived as they all gathered in the Graceful Sparrow Reception Hall. Everyone was enthused about the cake, except for Glitch who was staring at it in confusion.

"There's 'posed t'be cupcakes," he said in a rush, then wheeled on DG. "Where're the cupcakes?" Her mouth fell open for a moment, then closed quickly as she punched his arm. "Ow!"

"Where cookies?" Raw asked, dismayed.

"And my eclairs are gone too," Azkadellia added.

Cain was ignoring most of this as he approached the cake, armed with what suddenly seemed like an inadequate silver cake knife and server. With some degree of trepidation, Ahamo began singing the birthday song.

"Happy birthday to you-"

The others joined in as Cain came to a stop at the table.

"Happy birthday to you-"

He raised the delicate knife in his right hand, and angled the server in his left to slide under the first slice.

"Happy birthday dear Cwyaintt-"

The knife began to come down-

"Happy birthday to-"

-and, impossibly, the cake _lunged_, layers gaping open to try and grab Cain's arm. There were assorted shrieks and shouts from the party as Cain staggered, dropped the knife and server, then fell backwards to try and scramble away. The cake followed, landing on the fine marble floor with a whump.

Glitch and Raw hauled Cain to his feet and DG joined them, the four coming together to face a horror far beyond anything they had ever conceived of. Instantly, they set to work on a plan like the well-oiled heroics machine that they were.

"What the _hell_ did you do, Glitch?" Cain shouted. Glitch's response was an incomprehensible volley of syllables which amounted to explaining that he'd baked a cake, thank you, a very lovely cake at that and he would, in fact, like some sort of gratitude for once. "Later. DG, what the hell did _you_ do?"

The princess glared at him. "Why is it always me? Yeah, sure, maybe a couple of things have been my fault, I'm sorry, but I had nothing to do with this." Her sister had joined them and took DG's hand in her own.

"DG right," Raw pointed out. "Not worry about blame now, focus on cake."

"Can do!" Jeb shouted from behind them, then ran forward brandishing the long-handled slotted spoon he'd stolen form the fruit salad on the other table. With an impressive swing he smashed the business end of the spoon into the side of the cake, causing frosting to ooze through the slots.

Nothing happened aside for the cake quivering, then its layers parted and it spat a good amount of chocolate filling onto Jeb's shoes.

The former Resistance captain snorted. "That all you got?"

"Jeb," Cain began, his tone full of warning as he reached for his gun. He turned to glance at the queen and her consort. "Go get help, we'll hold it off." They nodded and ran from the hall, closing the doors behind them.

The cake wobbled and hopped forward. Jeb retreated strategically, the spoon ready to strike again but the cake went on the offensive, rapidly spitting cherries.

"Take cover!" Cain shouted and leaped to the right with DG and Az, Raw grabbing Glitch and going left. Tables were overturned to create makeshift shelters from the barrage, Jeb opting to join Raw and Glitch.

"What do we do?" DG cried.

Glitch snapped his fingers enthusiastically and pointed at Cain. "Shoot it shoot it shoot it!"

With a shrug, Cain waited for a break in the hail of cherries, then stood up dramatically and, with precise aim, unloaded his revolver's rounds into the cake.

Silence filled the hall, and when the smoke and mist of vaporized whipped cream faded the cake... proved to be no worse for wear. It returned fire and managed to knock Cain's hat off before he returned to his shelter.

"What point of that?" Raw groused.

Oblivious, Glitch sighed dreamily. "Your dad is so hot." The slotted spoon landed firmly on his head. "Ow."

"Magic?" Az suggested. DG nodded, and their still-clasped hands began to glow with a pure white light. The glow suffused the cake as well, and it spun around slowly, then with more speed until at last there was a blinding flash-

None of which, ultimately, affected the cake in any meaningful way.

"Pretty?" Raw offered. The princesses glared at him.

The following silence was interrupted by a startled "Oh!" from Glitch.

"What?" everyone shouted.

He closed his eyes, swallowed, and nodded. "It... it is my fault. I'm the one who made it, I'm the one who brought it into this world..." He trailed off and gazed across the chocolate-and-cherry stained floor to Cain. "I'll be the one to take it out of it."

"Glitch, no," Cain said, quiet and desperate, but he was ignored. Glitch stood up from behind the shelter and stepped around it, his stride causing his coattails to flare behind him dramatically. He reached up, and with the back of his hand attempted to wipe the smear of chocolate from his brow.

Time slowed to a crawl.

The cake, happy for a new challenger, hopped forward. DG's hands were clasped to her mouth. Cain took a white-knuckle grip to his hat. Glitch started moving forward. Jeb and Raw clung to one another. The cake spat more cherries which were gracefully dodged. Azkadellia crossed her fingers.

With a roar Glitch leaped into the air and spun, right foot swinging forward just as the gaping maw of the cake jumped up to meet him. There was an explosion of filling, cream, cherries, and confection, a squelching sort of thud, and then silence.

Time resumed its normal pace.

"Glitch!" they all cried, but it was Cain who got to him first, followed a moment later by Raw. The former advisor lay upon a pile of cake debris, covered head to toe in chocolate.

"Come on, Glitch," Cain pleaded, clearing chocolate from his beloved's face as Raw checked him over for damage. DG, Az, and Jeb hovered nearby, and were soon joined by the queen and consort, Tutor, and some very confused members of the guard.

At last, Glitch opened his eyes to squint up at Cain, who smiled happily down at him and drew a breath-

"If you say it, I will kill you," Glitch mumbled.

*

As it turned out, the explanation was simple.

"Magic," Tutor said.

"Duh," DG pointed out. They had retreated to the solarium and were feasting on bowls of scavenged cake-mush. "Obviously it was magic, but _how_?"

The queen chuckled. "Ambrose is your uncle," she said patiently. "Everyone in the family can do magic, I'm sure it was just a simple mix up."

"I may have taken Death By Chocolate a bit literally," Glitch confessed. He was curled up at Cain's side, the tin man's arm draped loosely around him. "Won't happen again. Mostly because I am now forbidden to cook." He smiled up at Cain. "Sorry about your quiet birthday being anything but quiet."

Cain chuckled. "Well, there is still a chance for that. I didn't have the heart to tell you earlier but... my birthday's actually tomorrow."

Glitch's face fell. Az snickered quietly, which made DG start giggling, and soon the solarium was filled with laughter. Eventually Glitch joined in as well, even if his busy and still-caffeinated mind was preoccupied.

Birthdays still did require cake, after all.

_fin_


End file.
